Survival Mode: Post-Service Processing

Being back in the USA for almost a month has been a whirlwind. I have been to visit my adorable nephew; just call me "nene levu!" My dad got married again! I participated and presented at the American Music Therapy Conference in Dallas, Texas. I presented on using music therapy in the Peace Corps (I'll write another blog post about this: spoiler alert, there are no specifically music therapy jobs and you do not do clinical work in the Peace Corps) and the ethics of doing music therapy abroad.

Being at conference made me realize a few things...

1) I don't feel like an "American*"

I found that I identified more with the non-united states music therapists and others who had been overseas. It is an interesting juxtaposition... while I am a US citizen, I have felt more "Fijian" than a US Citizen for a while. I imagine it will take time to readjust to this idea. 

2) Peace Corps itself is a traumatic experience

I have enjoyed learning to live with less and learning to be in the moment, but somewhere along the way I forgot that the struggle for clean water, walking through town without being harassed and appropriately cooked food is not an average "American" struggle. Yes, you get used to it, but I have started to wonder if you can truly thrive while your basic necessities to life are constantly questioned (and I lived on the mainland!). Life threatening cyclones, constant illnesses, inhaling chemicals from burning garbage all the time, gender-based security issues and the ever changing adaptations to climate change can put one on the edge.  Do not get me wrong, I loved my experience. 

3) I have been in survival mode

In a way, I have thrived. I have grown vigorously. I have flourished... but that is within the context of struggling for basic necessities and safety. It is a beautiful thing learning to live on less. But it is extraordinarily difficult to reach self-actualization while struggling for the more basic needs of life. Not that this is unique to people living overseas in previously colonized countries; people in the US struggle for these things, but as a white, Midwestern, upper-middle class United States Citizen, I had never experienced these struggles before. As a therapist, this is extremely humbling. None of this dawned on me until I set foot into a music therapy conference session and realized that I could not play in beat with everyone else at a drum circle. I was not actively listening. My playing was forced. I was numb... and that opened a lot of emotions I did not necessarily want to process at a therapy conference. 

Third Year Anniversary

It's hard to believe that it's my third anniversary of being in Fiji. I've learned so much, struggled so much and endured times of seemingly endless happiness. Fiji is not all resorts and pretty water bottles. It's hard. There's a lot of hardships we endure as women in Fiji, but these are things Fijian women endure their entire lives. I've had my highest of highs and lowest of lows here. It is excruciatingly difficult to learn how to completely support yourself in hard times away from your support system. It is a humbling experience and one I have learned immensely from.

I've never before been singled out because of my skin color. I've never before not blended in. I've never had to try to fit into a culture that is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It doesn't always fit, it doesn't zip up...but you can force it if you need too. There are things I will never understand. I've learned not to lose myself in the process. I've learned more empathy for my friends of color than I could have ever imagined.

We become a patchwork version of ourselves over time. A little bit of before, a little bit of now, a little American, and a little Fijian. A little bit of everything and still unfinished. If you look hard enough, you can see the beginning. Some of the edges are a little raw...Some have been ripped apart...and some are sewn with golden threads. Some feel as though they've been renewed by fire.... and others by love. But the end product is stunningly beautiful. I wouldn't change if for the world.

"This is my Fight Song": Life as a PCVL

Thanks for your patience with my lack of updates on the blog! I firmly believe that no excuse is the best excuse, so in the spirit of candor... This just fell out of priority for a little while.

My community:

A lot has happened over the past year. I decided to stay in Fiji. Staying as a third year Volunteer in a new site placement is a lot like your first year in a lot of ways. I moved to a new community and have had the beautiful experience of getting to know the staff in the office as my community. I've realized that I don't know much about anything and that Volunteers often do not give the Peace Corps staff the credit they deserve. Obviously, it helps dating a local that is nearby. You are immediately drawn into that community as well. But, I lost my biggest support system here by way of my group. All except three Volunteers have gone home. Those who are here, are an incredible asset, but it was hard to go through that change again. I often think that the hardest part of Peace Corps is losing your support system and building a new one. I know now that I can do it, because I have already done it before. There's beauty in that.

My new community... The Peace Corps Staff!

My work:

Being a Peace Corps Volunteer Leader feels like one of the biggest ways to fast-track your career development skills. I have learned so much about sustainability and international development. I've been blessed to work with our grants coordinator and learn as much as possible from her. She is a queen! Being here this past year has left me with some powerful questions and thoughts over whether Fiji actually needs US citizens to empower it's citizens... Because the people that work in this office, could very easily run this program without us. It's caused a bit of an existential crisis for me... fundamentally wondering if you are truly needed.

I've worked with two different Directors of Programming and Training. I have learned so much from both. It has been great confirmation that it might be something that I look into in the future. It's been interesting to watch the staff transition in and out of jobs. The staff go through very similar cycles to Volunteers. I've learned a lot about resiliency, faking it until you make it, humility, and intrinsic motivation.

My incredible co-workers!

As PCVL, I work directly with programming staff, training staff and grants. I've done a lot of resource development, but often there's this concern in the back of your head that Volunteers are not actually going to utilize this resource that you've spent hours creating. Volunteers will often as for something, but then once it's released, it does not get used. At least that is how it appears to go...Being PCVL can be a very rewarding job, but there is also the struggle of doing a lot of work without the confirmation that you are on the right track. Are PCV's even using what I'm spending hours working on? Or is there a new thought of something we "should" be doing to help before we get confirmation that they approved of the last thing we did?

Asking the staff what they do when confronted with disgruntled Volunteers has helped me to realize that as long as I'm doing my job to the best of my abilities, I am already on the right path. And the Volunteers do always eventually confirm this, even when they may be annoyed at me for "telling it like it is" at the time, ha. You can't make everyone happy... I'm just going to keep being me and trying to be the best version of myself.

50th Anniversary:

We had our big 50th anniversary this year. I helped a lot with the planning of that and am thankful to have the experience. Just because I didn't enjoy every aspect of the experience, does not mean the experience was not valuable. You have to find the joy in your work and there is joy in reconnecting RCPVs with their host country... even if you realize most of the RPCVs are white and PC has had very little diversity until recently. Life is bittersweet. It was a fun event and I learned a ton about large events management, even if I was incredibly busy.

50th Anniversary Museum Event

Launching the 50th Anniversary Stamp Collection

Difficulties:

Living in the capital can be difficult. Budgeting is a lot harder when you have more options; although, I find living and cooking like you are in a village definitely helps. Safety is a lot harder because you don't have a network of people constantly watching over you. People don't know you, which can be annoying when it seems like 10 taxis have honked at you and everyone is saying Bula because they think you have money to spend... not because they like you or even know you.

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Overall, this year has had its trials. Staying for a third year has been difficult, but at this point you get used to the difficulties and the difficulties really do make the good times worth it. Sometimes I wonder if the life cycle of a Volunteer is just a normal life cycle. Does this happen in every job? Do you always lose your rose-colored glasses of the work? Can you continue to find joy in a job when you are struggling? I think the answer is yes. I've learned a lot of that from the local staff who have worked at Peace Corps for 15+ years. I love to ask them... why did you stay when it was hard and when you didn't get along with your supervisors? Their response is always that it's worth it.

As I look back on my posts from the first few years, some of it is cringe-inducing...But, the I sit and remember that's progress. That is personal development. It's becoming the best version of myself. Sometimes, I feel like Peace Corps is the crash course in becoming the best version of yourself, both professionally and personally. I've learned a lot of life lessons in a very short amount of time.

You get used to the fact that you can't actually change the world, you can just live your life to the best of your abilities and empower those around you to do the same. You live life as humbly as possible and try to pick up as many life lessons as you can along the way.

The Question I Never Thought I'd Answer

On the Fourth of July, I taught my classes about American history, American folk tales, and American music. The Fijian education system does the best they can, but often the students perception of world history is minimal. Although, you could say the same thing about American students. I've enjoyed learning about the Fijian government, Fijian history, British imperialism, British Colonization, and Fijian music. I thought it might be fun, to share some of these same parts of American history because my students often have never heard of things like the American Civil War, the mistreatment of Native Americans or the story of Paul Revere.

Imagine my surprise when at the end of class, one of my year nine (this is equivalent to US eighth grade) students asked me, "Madam, can you please tell us about 9/11."

I get asked all sorts of questions in class... teaching reproductive health has taught me to never be surprised at anything, but this shocked me. I was impressed! I realized I had made a snap judgement that these students know nothing about world history and I was completely wrong.

After I stood there for a few minutes processing the question, I began to share my story. Ironically, I was in eighth grade when 9/11 hit. My mother was supposed to be traveling. I remember they waited until the end of classes and I was in English. I even remember the lesson that we were being taught. I remember watching people fall out of buildings; I've realized over the years that they have edited this stuff out of the replays. I will never forget that feeling. I told them that my experience with 9/11 will probably be similar to their experience with Cyclone Winston. They'll never forget.

But, when explaining this I realized a few things. Just like everywhere else in the world, there are some prejudices between races and cultures. How do you explain the idea of "Islamic Terrorists," when they aren't technically even Islamic. Or even labeling them "Islamic Terrorists..." Am I reinforcing existing stereotypes? I made sure to explain that while, at the time, those were the words that were used, we know now, that those people are extremists. In the same cult-like status of Westboro Baptist and the KKK. This led to a great discussion on stereotypes and being careful with our words.

I also realized how thankful I am to my parents for not censoring that moment. I was only 13 years old. It was tragic and traumatic to view, but it was real. They did not sugar coat it and answered my questions.

If anyone out there teaches 13 and 14 year olds, then you know that sitting still and silently is an unimaginable feat for them... But they were silent. They listened. They did not tease me about my culture and they were very respectful. I realized that I can use a tragic and terrifying moment of American history to teach tolerance, acceptance and peace. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that they were able to handle it, after all, they were the same age that I had been.

I think I may have gotten more out of that lesson than they did. We will never forget.

Why Do Americans Kill Each Other?

There has been a few times over the course of my service when I get asked questions that make my skin crawl with embarrassment. It's so much worse when it is the children asking these questions. Things that I cannot justify, account for or offer a reasonable explanation for the behaviors of my fellow Americans. Here are a sample of the questions.

• Why do Americans shoot each other?
• Why do Americans hate each other so much?
• How can your president not believe in climate change?
• Why are Americans so fat and greedy?
• Most Americans hate muslims, too? Right?
• Why do people protest so much?
• What do you think of Trump and why cannot Obama just be president again?

Most Fijian citizens have not been outside of Fiji, and often have never been outside of their own villages or corridor of their island. There is a long history of hatred between the Itaukei ethnicity (people who have lived in Fiji for a very long time) and Indo-Fijian ethnicity. The Indo-Fijians were typically brought over from India through indentured servitude during the times of colonialism. Most of the Itaukei race considers themselves to be Christian, while the Indo-Fijian race is much more diverse with people who are Christian, Hindi and Muslim. There is a lot of stereotyping and negative history between both ethnicity. There is also a lot of tolerance and love.

Fiji has around 900,000 people, whereas, the United States of America has a population of over 325 million. That is almost 325 times the size of Fiji. The entire country of Fiji is slightly smaller than New Jersey (http://www.nationmaster.com/country-info/stats/Geography/Area/Comparative). Fiji has no guns, with the major exception of the Army and Navy. The police do not even carry guns! There are villages in Fiji, literally being forced to move because of climate change. Their homes being washed away with the incoming and ever-rising ocean tides. In fact, there are entire islands of Fiji that are disappearing. So I can see how it is difficult to understand that there are people who do not believe in climate change.

The Fijian government is complicated and based on the British system, but they also have the chiefly system, too. From what I understand, there is both a President and Prime Minister. They also have the Ministry of Itaukei Affairs, which represents the chiefly system. Each village is part of a family, clan and land. Fijian culture dictates a lot of sharing. Many times, the family systems will share wealth; some families still live entirely off the land. There are less costs here. Most people do not drive or own a car. Family houses can get handed down or they buy them piece by piece, literally. I have had several conversations about how the "story of the girl who goes to work in home healthcare in the USA and sends back millions of dollars back home" is not actually applicable. After all, I worked in healthcare all through college and could rarely make ends meet. It is difficult to understand a lifestyle that you have never been a part of, but what keeps me here is those who try. The internet is new, and while the younger generation is being inundated with westernized lifestyles, there are parts of Fiji that still have zero signal for cell phone service. 

With this being said, these questions are very rarely said in a negative tone. It is very difficult to understand a life outside of your own when you have never traveled. In fact, this is just as true with many of the people in the United States! I have learned that when someone believes they are right, they will often act passionately on these subjects. Opinions and beliefs are rarely a facts, but this idea of "righteous indignation" can often cause the uncompromising differences and unwillingness to be empathetic. I give up a lot of my culture as an American to assimilate into Fijian lifestyle. Although, I believe this has fluctuated over my two years of service. 

I'm at a place right now with the relationships and rapport that I have built in my village, where I am comfortable asking them to meet me in the middle on some things. I do not feel like I have to give up all of my culture in order to be accepted. I feel like I can speak my mind and people will truly listen. Even though "hearing what you want to hear" happens everywhere in the world, including Fiji. But, at the beginning, I felt like I was more "Fijian" than American.

The USA is seen as a role-model for other countries. When these things horrible happen, people do not understand how a country that is "supposed to have it together" can have such horrible things happen. When I am asked these questions, I remind them that as much diversity and difference in beliefs that there is in Fiji, there is 325 times that in the United States. That citizens from the US walk all sorts of different paths and it is a much bigger place. Part of the beauty of the US is that there is so much diversity and differences, but the downside is the bigger proportion of hate and violence. However, I cannot answer every question. It's a lot about statistics and probability. The more people there are, then the more likely things are to happen. Just like sometimes in Fiji, the people with more limited access to the outside world are the ones who are the last to accept new changes and they are seen as intolerant; it is the same in the USA. 

What kills me, is when the primary school children or my students ask these things. It is so sad. I do not have all the answers. But, I find that it is inspiring that people are fighting for what they believe is right. I do not know why people shoot each other, other than to stress the importance of mental healthcare and tolerance. I do not understand why there is so much hate, other than the fact that there are many more people in the US. I do not have a good enough answer. All I can do, is to keep trying to spread Love and Tolerance wherever I go. Never give up. Keep resisting the hate. Keep understanding that even as a country of entirely different personalities, we can learn to get along. It comes down to communication and empathy.

Peace Corps Volunteer Leader... Dua Tale Viti!

A few months ago Peace Corps announced that they would be accepting applications for a third-year Peace Corps Volunteer Leader (PCVL). I was ready to go home and live a life that was not quite as hard as being in Fiji. However, I researched (so much google searching and talking to people on facebook) and talked to a lot of the staff about the various details of the job. After a lot of thought, I finally decided to apply.

I decided to apply because I am not sure if I want to go further into my career in international development, humanitarian aid, human rights, or program development. This job would give me the chance to work in the Peace Corps office and see if I enjoy this side of international development. If I do not enjoy it, I'll stick out the year, but I can go back to clinical music therapy. I adore music therapy and it is my passion, but I am torn about whether I am supposed to stay on the international advocacy and capacity building side of music therapy or go back to the clinical side of music therapy.

I also have had the most wonderful (albeit also the hardest) experience of my life here. If I can help support volunteers to set up their own service for success, then it will be worth it. As someone who has studied psychology, I am interested in the mindset of volunteers. A lot of volunteers come straight out of university and there is both a huge growth experience and psychological shift in the way they view the world. I find that fascinating!

Assisting with monitoring and evaluation would be a part of this position. Peace Corps has our biannual paperwork, called the Volunteer Reporting Form (VRF). The VRF is notoriously difficult to fill out, cumbersome and the data is often inaccurate. As a music therapist, I was taught that you have to be able to prove your worth because while music therapists are board certified, they are not yet licensed in every state. This means that insurance and medicaid often will not reimburse for services (I'll post more on music therapy advocacy another day). Your data must be accurate, non-biased, objective and efficient. With that being said, I find the monitoring and evaluation side of PCVL intriguing. I'm going to give a shout out to my various music therapy professors over the years for instilling a love of research, accurate data and statistics in my life.

The hardest part, I feel like will be the being "in-between" staff and volunteers. I will not be a supervisor, but I will not be staff either. I will have to support the rules and policy, while facilitating an atmosphere of support, rapport and trust. It is a fine line and I'm thankful I will not be the only person doing this and that I will have Peace Corps full support!

As a village-based volunteer, who has been working in a school for two-years, I will have an experience that the most of Peace Corps can empathize with. I've been through the struggles of being a woman in a village and at school. I've struggled with what I want to do, versus what my school wants to do. I've also struggled with deciding whats more important, the knowledge to impart to my students or building capacity of the teachers at my school. The school system (really this happens everywhere) is overworked and they do not have a lot of free time. It is not an easy experience, but it can be highly rewarding. I still think that I will and have learned more from my students than they will ever learn from me.

Last week, I interviewed for one of the PCVL positions and the interview went really well...

I am happy to announce that I have accepted a position as a Peace Corps Volunteer Leader for next year! This means that I will be staying in Fiji for a third year, living in the capital city of Suva, and working in the Peace Corps office. I am so excited, but a little sad that I will be putting off being home for another year... someone eat some chips and queso for me?

I will be assisting the Peace Corps Fiji Programming and Training team with programming needs, volunteer support, site development, monitoring and evaluation, training, grant-writing, Ministry of Education laison, and more! I am super excited for this new journey and I was not quite ready to return to the states yet. I look forward to continuing to update you on my endeavors and adventures in Fiji.

Vinaka Viti na Loloma Vei Au!

Born to Run: Training for a Half Marathon in the Peace Corps

My first run in my training cycle!

I love to run. For me, it is a means of meditation, prayer and self-care. I am pretty sure one of my very first posts from while I was still in the USA was about running! I ran my first half-marathon while finishing my masters (really poor timing- I do not recommend that), but I caught the "bug" per say. The ability to finish a race that is 13.1miles (21.5 km) reminds me of how strong I am and it reminds me that my body does not equal my self-worth. I am not the type of person to be a size 4; I never have been. Running makes me feel loved, spiritually connected and confident.

My goal was to run this race last year, but my health got in the way of training (more about this below). This year, I have been determined; although nearly derailed by health issues again. It is fun for me to see how far I can go on my small island.

Running: I am very lucky that I live on the main island of Fiji. Many volunteers do not have regular roads, but only dirt or gravel roads; some do not have roads at all if they live on the outer islands! Still, most of the roads are not the best quality and it can be tricky to run long distances. Not only do I have only 1 of 2 options (left or right) turning out of my village, but I have to consider the traffic and quality of the road. For me, this means every long run, I go to the left of my village because the other side is very curvy and can make it difficult for drivers to see runners on the sudden curves of the road.

The biggest thing is being flexible. I do not always get to run, nor is it possible; like when I went to visit a fellow PCV on one of the outer islands... she had no roads! Sometimes, I use 2 back to back exercise videos; but again, I am lucky because I am on the mainland. From my understanding, those PCVs on outer islands must find ways to work out that do not include electricity. While I cannot imagine running 10 miles just through laps at my school, people have done it. As a PCV, you must get creative if you are determined! Wherever you live, as a female, be prepared to bring your sulu (sarong) and tie it to a tree it on the side of the road once you get out of your village. And yes, my sulu has been stolen before (I'm rolling my eyes here because I found it later that night with one of my youth).

Cross Training: I am very blessed to live by the ocean, but I am lately too busy to go for a swim and there is the safety issue of going by myself. If I take the children, then I end up playing and not getting the best workout... It is not very good to swim alone because you can get caught in a riptide and nobody would ever know! Some sites have approval to use bikes; I do not because I live on the main highway and Fiji drivers are not known for their concern for pedestrians. I use a lot of work out videos, go for long walks, yoga and do body weight exercises. Some of the PCVs get really creative filling soda bottles with wet sand and using them for weights.

Fueling: Thankfully PC gives us a neverending supply of gatorade! It is not my favorite and when they run out you get stuck with the oral-rehydration salts (yuck), but it works. Again, if you are not near enough to a town or do not have a refridgerator, this can get tricky with finding foods that you can eat. After Cyclone Winston, the bananas all disappeared for 9-12 months! Now, I typically use whole wheat bread and jam sandwhiches, but there are a variety of fruits or local foods you could use. I really want to try sugar cane sometime!

Clothing: Be prepared to do a LOT of laundry by hand. Although honestly, after 2 years in Fiji wearing my same workout clothes does not bother me. I just hang them on the line to let the sweat dry after I use them. Dryfit is super important! Bring bodyglide if you plan to long run, but they do sell vaseline here for pretty cheap. My recommendation is to bring your own sturdy running shoes. Someone recommended trail shoes, honestly that wouldn't go amiss. I would not plan to buy shoes here because quality is hit or miss and $100 is 1/5 of your budget. Personally, I have not seen cheap running shoes for less than $150 in Suva.

You can find training clothing here for pretty cheap at the second hand shops, but if you are picky this is something you may want to bring extra of. All the girls typically wear leggings under our sulus (sarongs) and traditional wear. You can never have too much dry fit clothing or leggings. Again, you can buy clothes here, but you'll need professional outfits, too. I do not see locals wearing dryfit shirts to professional events as professional clothing; although you can get some things to work as dual purpose. Do not plan to work out in tshirts and shorts- you will get soaked!

Distance: This is a funny phenomenon I have noticed since I started training. Because of road conditions and curvy, single lanes, busses go a lot slower than they would in the states. It takes forever to get anywhere! What I feel like is really far, is actually only 1 or 2 miles! It is the downside to living on an island. I would imagine this would get worse if you were living on an outer island. It is pretty cool to take pictures of how far I've run and the villagers enjoy hearing about my runs now.

This is about 5 miles out from my village!

Health: Fiji is very humid and that means that everything grows really well, including bacteria and viruses. This seems to vary from volunteer to volunteer, but the majority of us seem to be sick constantly in some way or another. Last year, I was too sick too often to continue training. Training long distance already has a negative impact on your immune system because you are pushing your body to the limit... Being in a foreign country with germs you are not used to makes it much worse. I am thankful I planned to start early enough because I lost a month due to bronchitis, a few weeks due to trips and another couple weeks due to stomach bugs. At anytime you can accidentally ingest unfiltered water, eat under-cooked food, be sneezed on by children, given kisses from children or eat improperly prepared food; it is part of being a volunteer. It takes a lot of dedication and discipline.

Empowerment: By choosing to train long distances, I become a role model for positive, healthy behaviors for both my students and my village. It is fun to see students that are surprised to see me on my long runs. "Madam, did you run all this way?!" A lot of times the youth or children will join me on my shorter training runs. If I can show young girls to love their bodies and know how strong they are, then it is all worth it! Until I started this journey, some of my students and villagers thought it was physically impossible for a woman to run this far.

When you are supposed to go for a 4 mile run, but they want to join you... I am totally alright with shortening my runs so other people can join because strong girls become even stronger women.

Overall, it is not impossible, but it is much more difficult than training in the USA. I run the same path every time (although this is great for mental endurance) and when you're busy, it is not an option to skip working out. Weather, health concerns, and safety issues (example, I always have $2 in my sandwich bag in case I get hurt and cannot walk home) can make running longer distances difficult, but not impossible. I constantly have to stop and talk to people when I am running because Fijian hospitality is amazing; Bula all the time! If I can train for a half-marathon, while I am in the Peace Corps, then I know that I can do this anywhere. I am strong enough. The miles are in the bank.

I'll update this post with my final time and pictures in 2 weeks when I run the Suva Island Chill Half-Marathon!

Look out for the next post on Take Back The Night(r)!