Vulnerability

I recently watched a video on youtube by Brene Brown on "The Power of Vulnerability," which you can find here. It is a phenomenal video that changed my perspective on relationships, communication and self-worth. Shout out to Katie Fitch, MT-BC for the inspiration on my post today!

What is "vulnerability?" According to Brene Brown, it is the ability to feel worthy even regardless of fear and shame. What does this mean? In terms of my service, there is always this fine line of being myself in the village and being ALL OF MYSELF because what happens when I am ALL OF ME and someone decides they don't like me? Well, I've come to realize that it doesn't exactly matter because there are still people who will love and cherish me, in spite of what they do not like about me. So, I am going to choose to be vulnerable and authentic today.

I often blog about the best parts of my service or the things that I think other professionals may find some insight from, but normally you do not hear about the bad parts of my service. My fellow volunteers and I often say that "the absolute best and worst experiences of my life have been in Peace Corps." We aren't exaggerating; we are being honest. Peace Corps service is hard; I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world, but it is hard. It is literally the hardest thing that I've ever done.

But, what makes it hard?

1. Leaving your support system: While most of us went away for college, it is very difficult to navigate entirely new circumstances, cultures and problems without your trusted people. They will still be there, but most of them will not have an understanding of your new host country. 
2. Technology: Technology can be both a blessing and a curse; while it is wonderful to stay in touch with family, it also makes you realize that the problems you thought you left at home are closer than you realize. Also, technology fails constantly here because of the humidity and rough use. It took a lot of patience to get use to that. And I'm not going to even go into the pictures of food everyone loves to instagram. 
3. Volunteers: My fellow volunteers are some of my best friends, but we all get in our own heads. Sometimes we get busy and forget to respond, forget to be empathetic, are insensitive or in our own worlds because we are human. Another side of things is that you are forced into a group of people, that you may not have normally hung out with before you left. While you don't have to be friends, you still have to work with them. Again though, volunteers are also part of the best-of peace corps and more often than not, they make up for what they lack.
4. Culture: While you are learning a new culture, you are going to continually make mistakes. It takes a place of deep maturity and value for learning to continually adapt or admit that you might be wrong. I am always the guest in the country, so often I am in the wrong. But there are parts of the culture, you will just have to learn to accept... like my neighbors constantly hacking mucous up. Mouth noises are not taboo in Fiji, but they drive me bonkers!
5. Illness: Most of us are sick constantly and being sick without friends, family or your favorite foods can be very difficult. I have been sick more than I have been healthy, but you just learn to deal with it. Not to mention the strange diseases you can only get by being in Fiji. Thank goodness for PCMOs.
6. Loneliness: Even coming with a group of people, the wonderful support of Peace Corps, and no privacy in the village, you get lonely. Technology can be helpful, but it can also make you very homesick. 
7. Infestations: There are bugs, animals, bed bugs, fleas and ants everywhere and in everything. UGH! 
8. Basic needs: My house leaks, the water is brown when it rains, sometimes the water stops, the power turns off and on, sometimes you go without eating a vegetable for way longer than is appropriate and more. Yes, at least I have power and I've learned to adapt, but before I just learned to deal with it, this would make me very upset. 

While these things are rough and tough to go through, being in Fiji has taught me a lot about resiliency. I do not need as much as I thought I did to be happy. I have learned to go with the flow. I have learned to be vulnerable in every experience. I can do new things and to be content. I have more patience than I ever thought possible and I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Being here has taught me to love life with a raw passion and naked fury that I never imagined. I learned to find the sparkle and joy that already exists in nature, rather than creating it for myself.

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Small list of my funniest/worst moments:

• The time I had diarrhea and a very bad cold. You can figure that one out for yourselves.
• I've had strep throat 8 times and counting!
• The one time I woke up chewing on an ear plug. Oh my gosh. Gross (okay, actually it didn't bother me- see what I mean?)
• The time I took the slow bus that stops in every village to Suva and SWORE that I was going to pee in my pants. (I made it, barely)
• Using the word condom oil instead of coconut oil in class (Rolling eyes)
• Finding a gecko in bed with me
• FLYING. COCKROACHES.
• When it rains EVERY TIME after I put my laundry on the line to dry
• When I gave myself a grade-2 sprained ankle by just standing up

(to be continued later...)