Survival Mode: Post-Service Processing

Being back in the USA for almost a month has been a whirlwind. I have been to visit my adorable nephew; just call me "nene levu!" My dad got married again! I participated and presented at the American Music Therapy Conference in Dallas, Texas. I presented on using music therapy in the Peace Corps (I'll write another blog post about this: spoiler alert, there are no specifically music therapy jobs and you do not do clinical work in the Peace Corps) and the ethics of doing music therapy abroad.

Being at conference made me realize a few things...

1) I don't feel like an "American*"

I found that I identified more with the non-united states music therapists and others who had been overseas. It is an interesting juxtaposition... while I am a US citizen, I have felt more "Fijian" than a US Citizen for a while. I imagine it will take time to readjust to this idea. 

2) Peace Corps itself is a traumatic experience

I have enjoyed learning to live with less and learning to be in the moment, but somewhere along the way I forgot that the struggle for clean water, walking through town without being harassed and appropriately cooked food is not an average "American" struggle. Yes, you get used to it, but I have started to wonder if you can truly thrive while your basic necessities to life are constantly questioned (and I lived on the mainland!). Life threatening cyclones, constant illnesses, inhaling chemicals from burning garbage all the time, gender-based security issues and the ever changing adaptations to climate change can put one on the edge.  Do not get me wrong, I loved my experience. 

3) I have been in survival mode

In a way, I have thrived. I have grown vigorously. I have flourished... but that is within the context of struggling for basic necessities and safety. It is a beautiful thing learning to live on less. But it is extraordinarily difficult to reach self-actualization while struggling for the more basic needs of life. Not that this is unique to people living overseas in previously colonized countries; people in the US struggle for these things, but as a white, Midwestern, upper-middle class United States Citizen, I had never experienced these struggles before. As a therapist, this is extremely humbling. None of this dawned on me until I set foot into a music therapy conference session and realized that I could not play in beat with everyone else at a drum circle. I was not actively listening. My playing was forced. I was numb... and that opened a lot of emotions I did not necessarily want to process at a therapy conference. 

Third Year Anniversary

It's hard to believe that it's my third anniversary of being in Fiji. I've learned so much, struggled so much and endured times of seemingly endless happiness. Fiji is not all resorts and pretty water bottles. It's hard. There's a lot of hardships we endure as women in Fiji, but these are things Fijian women endure their entire lives. I've had my highest of highs and lowest of lows here. It is excruciatingly difficult to learn how to completely support yourself in hard times away from your support system. It is a humbling experience and one I have learned immensely from.

I've never before been singled out because of my skin color. I've never before not blended in. I've never had to try to fit into a culture that is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It doesn't always fit, it doesn't zip up...but you can force it if you need too. There are things I will never understand. I've learned not to lose myself in the process. I've learned more empathy for my friends of color than I could have ever imagined.

We become a patchwork version of ourselves over time. A little bit of before, a little bit of now, a little American, and a little Fijian. A little bit of everything and still unfinished. If you look hard enough, you can see the beginning. Some of the edges are a little raw...Some have been ripped apart...and some are sewn with golden threads. Some feel as though they've been renewed by fire.... and others by love. But the end product is stunningly beautiful. I wouldn't change if for the world.

"This is my Fight Song": Life as a PCVL

Thanks for your patience with my lack of updates on the blog! I firmly believe that no excuse is the best excuse, so in the spirit of candor... This just fell out of priority for a little while.

My community:

A lot has happened over the past year. I decided to stay in Fiji. Staying as a third year Volunteer in a new site placement is a lot like your first year in a lot of ways. I moved to a new community and have had the beautiful experience of getting to know the staff in the office as my community. I've realized that I don't know much about anything and that Volunteers often do not give the Peace Corps staff the credit they deserve. Obviously, it helps dating a local that is nearby. You are immediately drawn into that community as well. But, I lost my biggest support system here by way of my group. All except three Volunteers have gone home. Those who are here, are an incredible asset, but it was hard to go through that change again. I often think that the hardest part of Peace Corps is losing your support system and building a new one. I know now that I can do it, because I have already done it before. There's beauty in that.

My new community... The Peace Corps Staff!

My work:

Being a Peace Corps Volunteer Leader feels like one of the biggest ways to fast-track your career development skills. I have learned so much about sustainability and international development. I've been blessed to work with our grants coordinator and learn as much as possible from her. She is a queen! Being here this past year has left me with some powerful questions and thoughts over whether Fiji actually needs US citizens to empower it's citizens... Because the people that work in this office, could very easily run this program without us. It's caused a bit of an existential crisis for me... fundamentally wondering if you are truly needed.

I've worked with two different Directors of Programming and Training. I have learned so much from both. It has been great confirmation that it might be something that I look into in the future. It's been interesting to watch the staff transition in and out of jobs. The staff go through very similar cycles to Volunteers. I've learned a lot about resiliency, faking it until you make it, humility, and intrinsic motivation.

My incredible co-workers!

As PCVL, I work directly with programming staff, training staff and grants. I've done a lot of resource development, but often there's this concern in the back of your head that Volunteers are not actually going to utilize this resource that you've spent hours creating. Volunteers will often as for something, but then once it's released, it does not get used. At least that is how it appears to go...Being PCVL can be a very rewarding job, but there is also the struggle of doing a lot of work without the confirmation that you are on the right track. Are PCV's even using what I'm spending hours working on? Or is there a new thought of something we "should" be doing to help before we get confirmation that they approved of the last thing we did?

Asking the staff what they do when confronted with disgruntled Volunteers has helped me to realize that as long as I'm doing my job to the best of my abilities, I am already on the right path. And the Volunteers do always eventually confirm this, even when they may be annoyed at me for "telling it like it is" at the time, ha. You can't make everyone happy... I'm just going to keep being me and trying to be the best version of myself.

50th Anniversary:

We had our big 50th anniversary this year. I helped a lot with the planning of that and am thankful to have the experience. Just because I didn't enjoy every aspect of the experience, does not mean the experience was not valuable. You have to find the joy in your work and there is joy in reconnecting RCPVs with their host country... even if you realize most of the RPCVs are white and PC has had very little diversity until recently. Life is bittersweet. It was a fun event and I learned a ton about large events management, even if I was incredibly busy.

50th Anniversary Museum Event

Launching the 50th Anniversary Stamp Collection

Difficulties:

Living in the capital can be difficult. Budgeting is a lot harder when you have more options; although, I find living and cooking like you are in a village definitely helps. Safety is a lot harder because you don't have a network of people constantly watching over you. People don't know you, which can be annoying when it seems like 10 taxis have honked at you and everyone is saying Bula because they think you have money to spend... not because they like you or even know you.

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Overall, this year has had its trials. Staying for a third year has been difficult, but at this point you get used to the difficulties and the difficulties really do make the good times worth it. Sometimes I wonder if the life cycle of a Volunteer is just a normal life cycle. Does this happen in every job? Do you always lose your rose-colored glasses of the work? Can you continue to find joy in a job when you are struggling? I think the answer is yes. I've learned a lot of that from the local staff who have worked at Peace Corps for 15+ years. I love to ask them... why did you stay when it was hard and when you didn't get along with your supervisors? Their response is always that it's worth it.

As I look back on my posts from the first few years, some of it is cringe-inducing...But, the I sit and remember that's progress. That is personal development. It's becoming the best version of myself. Sometimes, I feel like Peace Corps is the crash course in becoming the best version of yourself, both professionally and personally. I've learned a lot of life lessons in a very short amount of time.

You get used to the fact that you can't actually change the world, you can just live your life to the best of your abilities and empower those around you to do the same. You live life as humbly as possible and try to pick up as many life lessons as you can along the way.