Survival Mode: Post-Service Processing

Being back in the USA for almost a month has been a whirlwind. I have been to visit my adorable nephew; just call me "nene levu!" My dad got married again! I participated and presented at the American Music Therapy Conference in Dallas, Texas. I presented on using music therapy in the Peace Corps (I'll write another blog post about this: spoiler alert, there are no specifically music therapy jobs and you do not do clinical work in the Peace Corps) and the ethics of doing music therapy abroad.

Being at conference made me realize a few things...

1) I don't feel like an "American*"

I found that I identified more with the non-united states music therapists and others who had been overseas. It is an interesting juxtaposition... while I am a US citizen, I have felt more "Fijian" than a US Citizen for a while. I imagine it will take time to readjust to this idea. 

2) Peace Corps itself is a traumatic experience

I have enjoyed learning to live with less and learning to be in the moment, but somewhere along the way I forgot that the struggle for clean water, walking through town without being harassed and appropriately cooked food is not an average "American" struggle. Yes, you get used to it, but I have started to wonder if you can truly thrive while your basic necessities to life are constantly questioned (and I lived on the mainland!). Life threatening cyclones, constant illnesses, inhaling chemicals from burning garbage all the time, gender-based security issues and the ever changing adaptations to climate change can put one on the edge.  Do not get me wrong, I loved my experience. 

3) I have been in survival mode

In a way, I have thrived. I have grown vigorously. I have flourished... but that is within the context of struggling for basic necessities and safety. It is a beautiful thing learning to live on less. But it is extraordinarily difficult to reach self-actualization while struggling for the more basic needs of life. Not that this is unique to people living overseas in previously colonized countries; people in the US struggle for these things, but as a white, Midwestern, upper-middle class United States Citizen, I had never experienced these struggles before. As a therapist, this is extremely humbling. None of this dawned on me until I set foot into a music therapy conference session and realized that I could not play in beat with everyone else at a drum circle. I was not actively listening. My playing was forced. I was numb... and that opened a lot of emotions I did not necessarily want to process at a therapy conference. 

Being back in the states, I am excited to process this with the post-service mental health counselor and am enjoying the time between jobs to take care of myself. I know financially, I want to work right away; I need some time.

I am enjoying being in the moment- another lesson from Island life. I am enjoying time with my family. I am enjoying reconnecting with my community here. I am enjoying the break from Fiji... don't get me wrong. I love and adore Fiji; the love of my life is there. But, I need a break. I am burnt out. And I am so thankful for the community of RPCVs and world travelers that get this.❤❤❤


*I use the world "American" because the Fijian word is "Merika (Mare-ee-kah) not as a reference to the entirety of the American continents, both North and South America.