Being at conference made me realize a few things...
1) I don't feel like an "American*"
I found that I identified more with the non-united states music therapists and others who had been overseas. It is an interesting juxtaposition... while I am a US citizen, I have felt more "Fijian" than a US Citizen for a while. I imagine it will take time to readjust to this idea.
2) Peace Corps itself is a traumatic experience
I have enjoyed learning to live with less and learning to be in the moment, but somewhere along the way I forgot that the struggle for clean water, walking through town without being harassed and appropriately cooked food is not an average "American" struggle. Yes, you get used to it, but I have started to wonder if you can truly thrive while your basic necessities to life are constantly questioned (and I lived on the mainland!). Life threatening cyclones, constant illnesses, inhaling chemicals from burning garbage all the time, gender-based security issues and the ever changing adaptations to climate change can put one on the edge. Do not get me wrong, I loved my experience.
In a way, I have thrived. I have grown vigorously. I have flourished... but that is within the context of struggling for basic necessities and safety. It is a beautiful thing learning to live on less. But it is extraordinarily difficult to reach self-actualization while struggling for the more basic needs of life. Not that this is unique to people living overseas in previously colonized countries; people in the US struggle for these things, but as a white, Midwestern, upper-middle class United States Citizen, I had never experienced these struggles before. As a therapist, this is extremely humbling. None of this dawned on me until I set foot into a music therapy conference session and realized that I could not play in beat with everyone else at a drum circle. I was not actively listening. My playing was forced. I was numb... and that opened a lot of emotions I did not necessarily want to process at a therapy conference.
